Broken Dreams: Can they be fixed?

Here's the third part of my Dreams series. As usual, I don't always know what my next blog will be about and I have to be in the mood to blog.

Awhile back I came across an old book of poems in which mine was published. Here it is:

                                                              Wedding

                                                            Like a flower
                                                            Love blooms
                                                            At the wedding
                                                           Between bride and groom

                                                             Like a bell
                                                              Love rings
                                                             With praise
                                                             As two exchange rings.

                                                            Like a light
                                                            Love brightens
                                                            As the two kiss
                                                            Their hands together tighten

                                                             Like a path
                                                             Love leads
                                                             To their life together
                                                              Bride and groom need.

I no longer recall when I wrote this poem but I know that it was published in an annual poetry book in 2000. I got married the previous year so maybe I wrote this poem about my wedding.

Yesterday would have been my 14th wedding anniversary if I had stayed married to my ex. Sometimes I feel like the one dream I thought had come true at one time can never happen again because it is a broken dream. It's broken because things did not work out for us no matter how hard I tried to be the best wife I could be to him. It was never enough. We went to counseling (through our church and a licensed psychologist) a few times throughout our two and a half year marriage. At times things were going well in our marriage but they were far and few. I had dealt with some abuse that I realized I could no longer tolerate and I had begun to fear for my safety. I knew that leaving an abusive marriage was the best choice for my and my dog (my baby) and did not wonder if there was another chance for me to find love. I figured that opportunity would come eventually and I needed time to heal from the abuse.

As I get older (I'm 37 now), I sometimes feel that this broken dream cannot be fixed and I would be better off to quit dreaming about love again. I may look young and pretty on the outside, but my heart is old and has been through a lot (especially lately with the recent death of my father). As much as I yearn for a loving marriage and maybe a child or two, I know that I'm in a place where I'm too broken to let anyone get close to me. The years are creeping up on me and time is running out for me to become a biological parent. But right now, I just don't want to rush anything no matter how much the desire is there.

As I write this now, the reader is probably wondering where my faith in God is. It's there, but somewhat on shaky ground. I know His promises for me and that He can fix everything that has been broken, even my dreams. I am just trying to get out of this depression and heartache of loneliness.

Just today I saw someone (I know I've seen him around town a few times and I swear I know him from somewhere) holding hands with a woman and I felt like my stomach had been punched. The wind almost knocked me out. I don't even know his name so why do I even care? I guess that sometimes in my mind when I picture my dream man, this man I saw sort of fits the image that I have had in my mind and in my dreams. Well now that man, who resembles the one I have seen in my dreams throughout the years, is holding hands with someone else so there goes my dream. Maybe he has a twin or someone else who resembles him a bit. So I just don't know what to make of it. Maybe I'm living inside a dream just like the movie Inception.

So no matter how awful I feel right now, I know that God is restoring my broken dreams and making them new. Of course I'll find love again and this man will be far greater than anything I could ever dream up in my own human mind. God will restore what was once broken.



Some Dreams are Only Dreams

Just last night I had one of those dreams that will only be "just a dream." We all have those kinds of dreams and may not always remember them. Then there are other types of dreams which never go beyond dreams. They can be daydreams or wishes that are unrealistic and can never be fulfilled.

The dreams that occur during sleep may not be more than "just dreams." In the past I have discovered that some dreams I've had while asleep have been a foreshadowing of future events in my life or things from the past.

My dad has been gone for over four months now but in my dreams he never passed away. In these dreams my waking life is all a dream. While I'm asleep dreaming, I am in reality. I'm not sure if I'm making sense here but I know most of us who remember our dreams have had similar experiences. Sometimes when I have these dreams where Dad is here on earth, I do not want to wake up to my reality. This is one dream that will never come true for me in this life. Dad won't get to be here to see my future writing get published. He won't get to walk me down the aisle for my future marriage, but he did walk me down the aisle for my first wedding. He won't get to see my brother and/or me raise families. But one thing I know for certain is that Dad is in Heaven watching over me and someday we'll be together again.

Two other kinds of dreams that often do not come true are daydreams and unrealistic wishes. They could be considered the same thing. I have daydreamt as a way to entertain myself when I'm bored or trying to fall asleep. Some daydreams I have had throughout my life included fantasies about becoming a famous actress or fashion designer which could become unrealistic wishes if I were to chase after them. Or they could be reality but the majority of people who dream about becoming famous often don't. Fame is fleeting and does not last forever.

Another daydream I had as a child was to be a member of a sitcom family such as The Brady Bunch. That daydream could never become a reality because The Brady Bunch was never a real family and the series ended before I was born. As a teenager I had a huge crush on Brad Pitt and wanted to be with him but he lived too far from me, was too old for me, and often had a girlfriend. If I wanted to make that daydream a reality, I would have had to work at it. I would have had to find out where he lived, the location where he was rumored to be working on a film, and if I had found him he would probably have considered me a stalker.

Unrealistic dreams can include winning the lottery because very few people ever win the lottery and you have a better chance of staying out of debt by not playing the lottery. Some unrealistic dreams I have had involved wanting to become a famous actress. "Famous" is the key word here. I could become an actress and I did when I acted in high school and a few community theater plays.

I think that one reason dreams remain dreams is knowing the reality of making some of them come true will be hard, hard work and dealing with rejection after rejection. I have heard of some very famous actors who never gave up on their dreams no matter what the challenges were. After lots of hard work finding acting jobs, going through periods of not having work, and dealing with rejection these courageous people eventually made a name for themselves in Hollywood. Could I have ever done that? Probably, but I prefer to have a steady income and a stable life. I want to know where I will be a year from now or even five.

I'm not quite sure what direction my next blog will take but it will be part of this dream series. Stayed tuned and have a great day!