It's hard to believe that this summer will be my 20th year class reunion. I am not 100% sure if I am going even though it will be in the town I live in. I did not go to my 10 year reunion because I had been divorced a few years and felt embarrassed about my 'divorced' status. Looking back that probably would not have mattered to anyone because later, I found out that quite a few other classmates were also divorced. I'm sure that at this upcoming reunion, some of my classmates may have different spouses than they had at the 10 year reunion.
It is interesting how we think our lives should be when we reach a certain age or milestone in life. Twenty years ago, I believed that I had my future figured out. I would begin cosmetology school in my hometown several weeks after high school graduation. A year later, I would graduate and find work as a hairdresser in this same hometown. Maybe I would get married, but I was not interested in having children. I just wanted to be a career woman. If I did not get married by a certain age (maybe 25), I wanted to venture out to Hollywood and became a celebrity hairstylist. I really did not want to think about how my life would be ten or even twenty years later.
Part of my 'plan' turned out the way I thought it should when I graduated from cosmetology school in 1996 and a few months later found a salon job in town. However, I hardly made any money for the seven months I had worked there so I quit. I was not able to find any salon jobs at all, so I tried whatever minimum-wage job I could get. I landed a gig at the local Tastee Freeze but after my two-week probationary period, I was let go because I did not seem to be able to get the hang of working the cash register. I was not fast enough and I felt like my supervisor did not take enough time to train me more efficiently. I continued to apply for more jobs (both minimum wage and salon) in my hometown and still could not find one after three months of unemployment. At the age of 21, I did what I had to do to get any job. I left my hometown for the Phoenix area (I had previously lived there during my younger years and had lots of family there) and within a week of living there, I got a job in a sandwich shop. After getting my Arizona cosmetology license, I found a salon job which I stayed at for eight months before finding a better one. After having lived with my grandparents for awhile, I found a studio apartment and was proud that I could make it on my own financially.
Surprisingly, I got married at the age of 23 so my dreams of becoming a Hollywood hairdresser were pretty much over. I had not even thought about them until writing this post. When I got married, I felt like I was now following the blueprint of life properly. By that time, quite a number of my classmates had already married and even had children. I was still not interested in having children. I just wanted to focus on my career, my marriage, and even my education (still did not have a clue what direction I wanted to go in). I thought I had it all and fantasized about my 10 year reunion. I would have somebody and show the guys who made fun of me that I was worthy of having a husband.
At the age of 26, I no longer cared about having someone because I got divorced. My marriage was an unhealthy one and I realized that I was much better off being single. It would still be a few more years before my 10 year reunion so I had to work on slimming down (I had probably put on 25 pounds since high school). I thought that by then I would have a date to the reunion. I believed that since somebody wanted me at one time, someone else would want me again.
In 2005, I was now living a few hours from my hometown and probably would not make the reunion. I had considered going but I chickened out for petty reasons. I was still not slim enough, therefore I felt ugly and more unattractive than I did back in high school (In those days, I was by no means considered a hot chick) and I was divorced. Still had not found anyone else after being divorced for nearly three years. Nah, I decided not to go. I just let my friend tell me everything about our 10 year reunion.
According to my friend, a good number (probably over 100) of our classmates showed up to the reunion. On the first night, everyone seemed chummy and excited to catch up with one another. Then by the end of the second (and last) evening, many people were back in their old cliques again. So, I don't feel as though I missed out. I just did not want my old insecurities from high school to resurface. I just did not think that ten years later I would still have low self-esteem issues even though I was now a rededicated, born-again Christian. I was also living on my own and supporting myself financially so that was something to show for. Two years after the 10 year reunion, I moved back to my hometown so I could be with my parents. When I encountered former classmates who still lived in the area, I was surprised that the majority of them did not attend the reunion. Some responses I heard: "I did not want to be around a bunch of stuck-up rich people who still thought they were better than everyone else." "I see the people that I want to see so I don't need to go to a ten-year reunion." My friend had informed me that she would not be going to our 20 year reunion. As for me, I'm still debating.
Reasons I would like to go:
1. Just to say that I went to a class reunion
2. I no longer care that I probably do not fit the typical blueprint of where I should probably be in my life.
3. I live in this town and it's not like I have to travel or find a hotel.
4. I am curious to see what my classmates are up to even though I see the majority of them on facebook.
5. Since I missed out on prom and graduation (both my choices), I want to revisit an old chapter in my life and make peace with it.
6. I am in much better shape than I was ten years earlier and feel more confident about my appearance.
Reasons to forget about going:
1. I do not drink and am uncomfortable around drinking (which is the norm at most class reunions).
2. I will probably be dateless among many who aren't.
3. In spite of what I said about the #2 reason I would like to go, I feel a bit insecure that I am probably one of the few classmates who is still childless and I am not going to consider my dog as my child.
Forget about the reasons I do not want to go and just go for crying out loud!
Why should I care that I may not be exactly where I had hoped to be in life? Around the time of my 10-year reunion, I had hoped that by my 20-year reunion I would be married and maybe have at least one child. Instead, I am still single, live with my widowed mother and my dog. I have a part-time job that I really, really love and am attending college. Despite how I thought I would always be a hairdresser twenty years ago, I decided to take a different career path in my early 30s and do not regret that at all.
I must also realize that the insecurities I sometimes struggle with are only in my head and others also struggle with insecurities that may be similar to mine or are entirely different. In the meantime, I will work hard to maintain my slimmer shape. Maybe even try to slim down a bit more. As for trying to find a date, I am not going to force the issue. It's possible that I could find my date at the reunion.
