Broken Dreams: Can they be fixed?

Here's the third part of my Dreams series. As usual, I don't always know what my next blog will be about and I have to be in the mood to blog.

Awhile back I came across an old book of poems in which mine was published. Here it is:

                                                              Wedding

                                                            Like a flower
                                                            Love blooms
                                                            At the wedding
                                                           Between bride and groom

                                                             Like a bell
                                                              Love rings
                                                             With praise
                                                             As two exchange rings.

                                                            Like a light
                                                            Love brightens
                                                            As the two kiss
                                                            Their hands together tighten

                                                             Like a path
                                                             Love leads
                                                             To their life together
                                                              Bride and groom need.

I no longer recall when I wrote this poem but I know that it was published in an annual poetry book in 2000. I got married the previous year so maybe I wrote this poem about my wedding.

Yesterday would have been my 14th wedding anniversary if I had stayed married to my ex. Sometimes I feel like the one dream I thought had come true at one time can never happen again because it is a broken dream. It's broken because things did not work out for us no matter how hard I tried to be the best wife I could be to him. It was never enough. We went to counseling (through our church and a licensed psychologist) a few times throughout our two and a half year marriage. At times things were going well in our marriage but they were far and few. I had dealt with some abuse that I realized I could no longer tolerate and I had begun to fear for my safety. I knew that leaving an abusive marriage was the best choice for my and my dog (my baby) and did not wonder if there was another chance for me to find love. I figured that opportunity would come eventually and I needed time to heal from the abuse.

As I get older (I'm 37 now), I sometimes feel that this broken dream cannot be fixed and I would be better off to quit dreaming about love again. I may look young and pretty on the outside, but my heart is old and has been through a lot (especially lately with the recent death of my father). As much as I yearn for a loving marriage and maybe a child or two, I know that I'm in a place where I'm too broken to let anyone get close to me. The years are creeping up on me and time is running out for me to become a biological parent. But right now, I just don't want to rush anything no matter how much the desire is there.

As I write this now, the reader is probably wondering where my faith in God is. It's there, but somewhat on shaky ground. I know His promises for me and that He can fix everything that has been broken, even my dreams. I am just trying to get out of this depression and heartache of loneliness.

Just today I saw someone (I know I've seen him around town a few times and I swear I know him from somewhere) holding hands with a woman and I felt like my stomach had been punched. The wind almost knocked me out. I don't even know his name so why do I even care? I guess that sometimes in my mind when I picture my dream man, this man I saw sort of fits the image that I have had in my mind and in my dreams. Well now that man, who resembles the one I have seen in my dreams throughout the years, is holding hands with someone else so there goes my dream. Maybe he has a twin or someone else who resembles him a bit. So I just don't know what to make of it. Maybe I'm living inside a dream just like the movie Inception.

So no matter how awful I feel right now, I know that God is restoring my broken dreams and making them new. Of course I'll find love again and this man will be far greater than anything I could ever dream up in my own human mind. God will restore what was once broken.



Some Dreams are Only Dreams

Just last night I had one of those dreams that will only be "just a dream." We all have those kinds of dreams and may not always remember them. Then there are other types of dreams which never go beyond dreams. They can be daydreams or wishes that are unrealistic and can never be fulfilled.

The dreams that occur during sleep may not be more than "just dreams." In the past I have discovered that some dreams I've had while asleep have been a foreshadowing of future events in my life or things from the past.

My dad has been gone for over four months now but in my dreams he never passed away. In these dreams my waking life is all a dream. While I'm asleep dreaming, I am in reality. I'm not sure if I'm making sense here but I know most of us who remember our dreams have had similar experiences. Sometimes when I have these dreams where Dad is here on earth, I do not want to wake up to my reality. This is one dream that will never come true for me in this life. Dad won't get to be here to see my future writing get published. He won't get to walk me down the aisle for my future marriage, but he did walk me down the aisle for my first wedding. He won't get to see my brother and/or me raise families. But one thing I know for certain is that Dad is in Heaven watching over me and someday we'll be together again.

Two other kinds of dreams that often do not come true are daydreams and unrealistic wishes. They could be considered the same thing. I have daydreamt as a way to entertain myself when I'm bored or trying to fall asleep. Some daydreams I have had throughout my life included fantasies about becoming a famous actress or fashion designer which could become unrealistic wishes if I were to chase after them. Or they could be reality but the majority of people who dream about becoming famous often don't. Fame is fleeting and does not last forever.

Another daydream I had as a child was to be a member of a sitcom family such as The Brady Bunch. That daydream could never become a reality because The Brady Bunch was never a real family and the series ended before I was born. As a teenager I had a huge crush on Brad Pitt and wanted to be with him but he lived too far from me, was too old for me, and often had a girlfriend. If I wanted to make that daydream a reality, I would have had to work at it. I would have had to find out where he lived, the location where he was rumored to be working on a film, and if I had found him he would probably have considered me a stalker.

Unrealistic dreams can include winning the lottery because very few people ever win the lottery and you have a better chance of staying out of debt by not playing the lottery. Some unrealistic dreams I have had involved wanting to become a famous actress. "Famous" is the key word here. I could become an actress and I did when I acted in high school and a few community theater plays.

I think that one reason dreams remain dreams is knowing the reality of making some of them come true will be hard, hard work and dealing with rejection after rejection. I have heard of some very famous actors who never gave up on their dreams no matter what the challenges were. After lots of hard work finding acting jobs, going through periods of not having work, and dealing with rejection these courageous people eventually made a name for themselves in Hollywood. Could I have ever done that? Probably, but I prefer to have a steady income and a stable life. I want to know where I will be a year from now or even five.

I'm not quite sure what direction my next blog will take but it will be part of this dream series. Stayed tuned and have a great day!

Dreams: Are they the right ones to pursue?

 

 

Lately I've dealt with a recent rejection in my life and I have come to wonder if a rejection means the end to a dream because the dream did not come true. So is there always another chance to make that dream come true? If you keep getting rejected repeatedly does that mean this may be "your dream only" and God may want something else for you? Why do you have a specific dream and desire but no matter how hard you pray of how often you keep trying does this mean that

 

a) The timing is not right?

 

b) Give up and find a new dream?

 

c) This may not be what God wants for you?

 

d) Your motives and reasons for this dream to come true may be selfish?

 

e) Keep trying until the dream comes true?

 

 

As I have thought about my dreams and desires I realize that there is not one specific reason why the dream has not come true at that specific time.

 

 

A) The timing is not right. As for my hopes and desires of getting married and having a family, I've come to realize that God's timing is far different from mine. Just don't tell that to my ticking biological clock. Since marriage and family are desires that God puts into many hearts, I believe it will happen for me someday.

 

B) Give up and find a new dream or C) This dream may not be what God wants for you.

 

This following situation could probably apply to both these reasons why the dream did not come true. For several years, I had wanted to be a cosmetology instructor. In 2004, I left a job of three years with a regular clientele and moved back to my hometown because God told me to. My desire was to be back in my hometown with my parents and work at my beauty school's alma mater. While I waited for my instructor's license, I worked as the school's receptionist for six weeks at minimum wage and the owner did not offer health insurance. I hated the job because the owner was mean to me and the students, I did not like the way she ran the beauty school, and she did not help me prepare for my job as a future instructor so I quit.

 

I went back to doing hair in a local salon until the business shut down three months later. The company offered me a transfer to another town which I took. However, I was still determined to pursue a future as a cosmetology instructor despite the past disappointment. While I worked, I looked for instructor jobs in the state. One school I interviewed at did not offer health insurance. Another school seemed like a great place to work but I did not want to live in a large city again. One of the local schools where I applied either weren't hiring and/or did not offer health insurance. By that time I had found another salon that offered better health insurance and other benefits so I was content for the time being.

 

I just stopped looking for work as a cosmetology instructor but I still kept up my instructor's license by taking the required continuing education hours. I continued that until earlier this year when I decided that keeping up a license I probably would never use became a waste of time and travel for me.

 

I guess I gave up this dream because of the disappointments of not getting hoped for jobs and the lousy experience I had working at my hometown beauty school. Hearing the owner's constant criticisms probably did not help either. Over five years ago, I left the cosmetology business in pursuit of fulfilling another dream which has come true to some extent. So I don't know if this dream of becoming a cosmetology instructor was not really God's dream for me but my dream. I don't know if I intentionally gave up this dream because of several disappointments or maybe I realized the challenges of being an instructor were too much for me to handle. Maybe this career path did not suit my personality. What I learned from pursuing this dream is that I became more aware of what I could/could not handle and what I did/did not like doing.

 

Sometimes dreams may die, come alive for a season then lay dormant for awhile and come alive again.

 

D) Your motives and reasons for wanting this dream to come true may be selfish. In the past, I never thought that selfish desires could be a reason that some dreams have not come true. Two years after my divorce, I had the desire to marry and have a family. At 28, my biological clock started ticking and I felt it was time for me to find someone. I tried online dating several times throughout my years of being single again. I just never found success in it. People told me I needed to just give one person I found online a chance. Somehow I could never get past the first phone call or after several emails, I just could not bring myself to meet the person. It could have probably been fear or uncertainty about the guy's character that put me off from a first meeting. I was (still am) picky when it came to dating. After a bad first marriage, I did not want to make the same mistakes again and I wanted somebody whom I really liked and shared my Christian beliefs.

 

It took me almost a decade to realize that my motives for wanting a husband and family were selfish. I wanted to feel valuable because the world does not seem to value single people and feel desirable to the opposite sex. I wanted to have a kid or two because I wanted someone to call me "Mommy" and most people my age have children. I did not want to go through my later years in life without someone (husband and/or children) by my side.

 

So after praying for almost a decade for God to bring me a husband, I decided over a year ago to stop praying that prayer. I sensed that God got tired of hearing that prayer and He was still at work on me and my future spouse. I'm not saying that God is not going to bring me my future husband when I've got myself perfectly together. I just don't want to be a huge mess when I meet him and there are still past issues I want to work through.

 

E) Keep trying until the dream comes true. I think that if you really want a dream to come true and you know that God has put that dream in your heart, keep trying. Don't give up on that dream. There may be a season when the dream is dormant. After the recent passing of my father, my desire for children has lessened. I'm not sure why. Maybe after having helped my mother in taking care of my dad, I'm just not in the mood to take care of another human right now.

 

Just recently I got turned down for a full-time position at work. This is the second time in two years that I have been turned down for that job. It may not exactly be my dream job but it's at a place where I enjoy working. As a full-time employee I would get benefits but I have to remember that right now I have health insurance through my state. I can always put in another bid when the position opens again.

 

 Maybe this was not the right time for me to have this job because I still need time to grieve the loss of my dad. Not having what I really wanted (or maybe what I believed I wanted) is God's way of having me work on another dream: become a published writer.

 

Stay tuned for my next blog about dreams.

I'm back after a long hiatus...

Hey readers!

I've been meaning to blog more but just haven't had the time, the motivation, or was unsure about what I wanted to post.

The last time I blogged was a year ago. I was in a very different place in my life. I was (still am) working part-time at my local library, finishing up my certificate in children's literature, using some down time to work as a consultant for Usborne Books & More, going to several bible studies a week, and helping out in children's church. Sounds like I was very busy and still not sure what direction to take in my life.

At 36 years of age (last year) I had gotten to the point that it was time to stop hoping for Mr. Right to show up, marry me and start a family. I decided that if (and when) God wanted this to happen for me then it would be on His time table and not mine. I don't think I'm going to end up like John the Baptist's mother or Abraham's wife by becoming a mother long past menopause, but God's idea for the right time to get married and have a family is not the same as mine was (which was at least before 35 years of age).

I decided to go ahead and just live life like a free woman and enjoy it! I gave up on online dating and did not want anyone to play matchmaker except God. Just as I started to embrace my singleness of one decade, my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and I finally began to understand God's timing much better.

I had been living with my parents since 2007 and have not planned to move until I got married. Luckily Mom and Dad enjoyed the arrangement as I also did. I already knew that I was in the right place at the right time and that time was for me to be there for my parents. If I had been married and/or had a family to raise I would not have had the time that I got to have with my dad during his last months.

While helping Mom take care of Dad, I decided to take a much needed break from school (In December I completed my children's literature certificate) and put my book business on the back burner. During Dad's first month of chemotherapy I was not sure how things were going to turn out so I did not want to make big plans for my life. I just continued at my part-time job with some occasional pet sitting jobs to help pass the time but also be there for Dad when needed.

After the first month of chemotherapy he was improving and started making plans of his own during the beginning of his retirement. So I decided to go back and work on my book business which did not amount to a whole lot except for one book party.

Around the end of the third month of chemotherapy, Dad's health started to decline and the doctors changed treatment plans which did not seem to help. May 18, 2013 was my dad's last day on earth. He waited until I was out of the house to pass away. I believe that was God's way of protecting me from further pain.

As grateful as I am to know that Dad is no longer suffering, it still hurts not to have him in my life. More than four months later Mom and I are still trying to put the pieces of our life back together. My views on life have changed a bit. I have decided to cut out the things I do not want to do in my life such as attending numerous bible studies (At the moment, I am only doing one), children's ministry (After three years it was time for me to take a break), and the book business. Now that I finally made a decision to give up my business (which I did today), I feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

People tell me that this time in my life is not the time to make big life decisions. So for right now, no dating until I find someone that I like enough to want to date, no moving away (I don't want to leave Mom), and no major career changes. But I do not see anything wrong with eliminating or adding little things to my life. So what I have decided to focus on more in my life right now is writing.

I have done it off and on throughout most of my adult years and have numerous unfinished projects. Since a writer should never reveal what they are writing (except for blogging) for future publication or writing contests, I will not tell you what projects I'm working on.

I look forward to this next blog. Have a blessed day everyone!

Laura

Introducing myself

Hi Readers!

I got ahead of myself and posted two short blogs before introducing myself and the purpose of my blog. Of course, every one needs a title for his/her blog and choosing one was not the easiest of decisions so I decided to go with my three top interests in life: The Bible, Books, and Basset Hounds.

Since I am a born-again Christian, I must always remember to put God first in my life so that's why my page starts with the Bible. I try my best to consult God before making any decision in life and His Word (The Bible) is where I go to for those answers.

God gave me a passion for books which was birthed into me by my parents' strong interest for reading. I like to joke that I could have been born in a bookstore or a library because those were two places where Mom spent most of her pregnancy with me. In one of my childhood homes, my dad built 4 floor to ceiling bookshelves in our living room and the dining room area. I used to work in the book department of an entertainment store and I have worked at my local public library for almost 4 years now. I have an AA degree in library science and am currently working toward a certificate in children's literature. So I never get tired of books.

Just recently, I have become a consultant for Usborne Books & More which is a children's publishing company. We sell books from infancy age all the way up to the teen years. I could talk everyone's ears off about books so I will go on to my next passion in life: basset hounds.

I have been a basset hound owner since November 2000 when I got my first basset hound from a pet store. I now have my second basset hound, whom I adopted almost three years ago. I found Max at my local humane society one month after Claire passed away unexpectedly from cancer. Max is about five years old now and I consider him my baby.

So in every blog I post you will hear about one or all of these three topics. I must go now and attend to my passions in life.

Happy reading everyone!

In the newspaper

http://www.currentargus.com/ci_21462662/carlsbad-library-worker-turning-page-home-based-book?source=most_viewed

Carlsbad library worker turning the page with home-based book business

By Valerie Cranston
For the Current-Arguscurrentargus.com

Posted: 09/03/2012 10:58:08 PM MDT

CARLSBAD - A home-based business offers a local woman a chance to make extra money at selling something she loves - books.

Laura Hughes, 36, recently became an independent consultant for Usborne Books and More, a company that applies a tried-and-true marketing method - think Avon, Mary Kay Cosmetics and Tupperware - to sell its literary products.

She offers a number of books for sale through home party bookings or from her Web site.

Books have always been a large part of Hughes' life. She works part time as a library page at the Carlsbad Public Library, where her duties include checking in returned books, organizing them on a cart, returning them to the shelves and straightening up messes around the library.

"I pretty much do all the fun stuff," Hughes said.

"I've been around books pretty much all the time and my love of books has always been there," she said, noting that she was surrounded by bookcases full of books while growing up. She also worked in the book department at Hastings for four years.

Hughes and her family moved to Carlsbad in 1990 from Mesa, Ariz. She graduated from Carlsbad High School in 1995. She earned an associate's degree in library science online and is currently working toward obtaining her children's literature certificate. She is also involved in Children's ministry at Oasis Christian Fellowship.

Selling books is something that crossed her mind before. However, it was a classmate,

 

Paula Ferguson, who has been an Usborne consultant for two years, that encouraged her to join the Usborne team.

"I loved the idea of earning extra money while doing something I loved," she said.

Hughes hopes to become an education consultant with Usborne, a position that would give her an opportunity to work closely with schools and libraries. "My hope for the future is to be an education consultant with the company," she said, explaining that position would give her the opportunity to sell books to area schools and other libraries.

The Usborne company originated in Great Britain and later partnered with another company in Australia. Today the company's home office is in Oklahoma. Books can be purchased through a home party, or online through Hughes' website, or from a catalog provided by a host. If a host sells more than $250 worth of books, she'll get $40 in free books and another $50 of books at half price.

The catalog, which is updated every six months, offers something for babies to teenagers to young adults. There are even learning books and palettes for extra study for home school parents. Many of the books also have Internet links to search for additional information online.

"Starter collections would make great Christmas presents," Hughes.

Throughout the catalog are holiday books, activity books, a few board games, puzzle books, flashcards, AR (Accelerated Reader) point books, audio books to read along and adventure kid kits including books and activity supplies.

"Books are my thing and I do want the business to grow," she said. "It's fun and it's not really work," she said.

For more information, view Laura Hughes' Web site at www.booksrforever.com.

Anyone interested in booking a party or looking at a catalog can call her at 575-640-5334. To learn more about Usborne Books & More log onto: www.usbornebooksandmore.com