Time for Changes

I don't know if this is because spring is in the air which is when there happens to be lots of changes in life. The school year is coming to an end. The flowers are blooming and the trees are getting their green leaves again. Life brings changes every day whether they are good or bad, scary or exciting, or all of the above.

In my last blog, I talked about some thought changing views about my singleness and realizing that being single is not a problem. However, in the last month, I am realizing that I have remained stuck in my singleness for a long time. I have viewed it as a character defect. For a number of years, I've often been told to learn to be content as a single person. Well, I think I might have perfected that to the point where this has become my comfort zone. I'm so comfortable being single that I am petrified to change my ways. I don't want to go looking for someone because I believe God will bring the right person in His timing, yet I cannot remain afraid of the prospect of dating or trying to get my feet wet by getting to know other men. I am also realizing that I can no longer make excuses, which I have made many throughout the years. Some of these excuses include: There really isn't many single men around my age in my hometown (I cannot use that excuse anymore because the population is increasing a bit). Single men don't go to church and I refuse to enter the bar scene (Church does not have to be the only place to meet godly men and while the bar is not a place I want to go to, there are other places I can go to meet people). I am just not one of the lucky women who can easily get a guy without trying or I try to hard (I've got to find a middle ground). The worst excuse I have used for remaining single is horrible past experiences such as the abuse in my former marriage and other bad experiences with men. While I may appear to do all the right things which single Christians should be doing such as not engaging in premarital sex, relationship hopping, and compromising values and standards in exchange for companionship, I am using my spirituality as an excuse. I tend to find myself interested in single men (who are Christians) whom I don't see often and usually have to be the one to initiate contact because I feel in control and safe. When I sense that a man shows interest or seems to want to pursue me, I subconsciously back away because I am scared. I am scared that he might try to take advantage of me the way my ex did. I don't want anyone (especially men) to interfere with my boundaries. Yet, I have not allowed another man (since my ex) to get close enough for me to know what my boundaries are. How soon are they supposed to know that I do not want to kiss on the first date or even the third date? Maybe I don't want to let a man kiss me until I believe that he may be the one I want to spend my life with? When should I tell them I do not believe in premarital sex? I think one of the biggest mistakes I have made is telling them up front because they bolt when they know I am a practicing Christian who refuses to engage in premarital sex. It's been more than ten years since I had to be upfront about it. I had to set some boundaries because some man was trying to put the moves on me. He was respectful that evening, but I never heard from him again. Oh well, I had thought. That meant he was not the one. Many people (including Christian men) have told me that it does not matter if a man is a Christian, he will try to push a woman's boundaries. So, in my mind, no man is really safe to me, unless I'm related to him or he's married to one of my friends. Even the men old enough to be my father try to put the moves on me, when I think they should go after someone their own age. (Just my opinion).

After a visit with my counselor yesterday and a iron-sharpening talk with a friend the day before, I am seeing the changes in me that need to be made. I am frightened and no longer feel that I can be safe again. If I did not want to be married with a family of my own, I may just be happy to remain single and avoid men (except in a platonic way). Yet, I cannot do that because the desire for marriage and a family is attached to my heart. Unfortunately, my fears have overpowered those desires and while I thought that at least I was not making the same stupid relationship mistakes like a lot of people, I have been making different kind of mistakes. For example, instead of completely letting my guard down and compromising my Christian beliefs, I went to the opposite end after my divorce. I put up far more than boundaries; I put up walls so high that a man would have to climb up far into the sky just to reach me.

One of the big changes in my life will be turning 40 in June. This feels kind of scary because I know that time is running out and I really want to be married with a baby of my own. I am mad at myself for allowing fear to overtake my desires. In order to make the changes I need to make, I feel that I am in a race against time and that makes me even more hesitant to change. Not only do I need to make a few changes in my physical appearance (wear more makeup, spend more time on my hair) but I also need to step out of my comfort zone and pay more attention to other single men and forget about the one who leaves all the initiating up to me. I'll still be friends with that one man, but I feel that I must move on and find someone who wants a relationship with me. I also want a relationship with him (whomever he is). I believe I can still have my standards and preferences yet I need to give more men a chance. In the past, I have not liked the choices people have wanted for me because the men were either too old for me, lived too far away, or they did not share my Christian beliefs. While age difference, geographical distance, and differing spiritual views may not matter to some (or many) people, they matter to me. I want a man closer to my age because I want someone I can grow old with and hopefully raise a family with. I don't want someone that lives too far away, unless I may already know them and the right man must share the same spiritual beliefs as me. The Bible says that people should not be unequally yoked. Even though my first husband was a Christian, neither one of us put God in the center of our relationship. This next time around, I want a man who loves God and puts Him first in his life.

For those of you who might be reading this post, please keep me in prayer and I pray for those of you who need a push in the right direction that God will give you boldness, wisdom, and discernment in making the right changes.

Enjoy being single

I'm back! I know it's been awhile since my last post but life had been hectic with college, work, and church activities. Yet as usual, my mind is busy with lots of thoughts and ideas to write about. Lately, I feel that God has been giving me a lot of personal revelations, some which are too intense to reveal in this blog.

In less than three months, I will be turning the big 4-0. This should not be dreaded because at least I'm here to celebrate another birthday and begin a new decade. Although I am not where I had hoped to be by this age, I still believe that God is not finished with fulfilling my biggest hopes and dreams. The other week as I attended a women's conference at a local church, God reminded me that if I feel that I have to make something happen within a certain amount of time, then it is not from Him. During my early 20s, I pulled a Sarah (Abraham's wife) by getting married to my ex (who I now refer to as my Ishmael) because I thought that he was my only chance at finding love. Note: For those of you who might not be familiar with the book of Genesis, Sarah was past childbearing age when God told her husband Abraham that they would have a child of their own. Yet it would be a number of years before their promised child Isaac was born. In the meantime, Sarah was getting impatient and insisted that her maid Hagar sleep with Abraham so she could bear a child (whom was Ishmael). Sarah never consulted God on this matter and thought she was helping God by making things happen in a certain amount of time because she still had not gotten pregnant.

Well, my Ishmael marriage only lasted less that three years in which some abuse occurred and I knew it was for the better that I leave. Now, it has been almost fourteen years since my divorce and I still have not had a single relationship. Off and on throughout my single-again years, I had thought that something was wrong with me. I am a nice-looking woman, intelligent, kind, and have a lot of great qualities. So why has there not been anyone for me? I have been through counseling to help me get past the trauma of an abusive relationship (my marriage) and deal with my insecurities. Just yesterday as I was in a counseling session, I had an epiphany! As I was explaining again how hard it was for me to find the right man and it just did not make sense to me how so many people around me can easily find someone, my counselor told me something profound. Oh yeah, I've heard it several times but it did not quite sink in until yesterday. She said something like this to me, "Every one can have someone and find someone easily when they do not set boundaries and hook up with the first person they see." In the past people have told me I could have any guy I wanted. I just have to go to a bar and poof I can find anyone, but I have standards and I do not want just anyone. My counselor also told me that she counsels many women who are in all types of unhealthy relationships because they think they need someone in order to be happy. Yet, they are not happy in their relationships. A previous psychiatrist I had seen in the past told me that 95% of people he has counseled feel they have to have a relationship in order to be happy. Yet, they are not happy. So, maybe I do not have a problem after all. I  would rather be the person who has difficulty finding someone than those who are constantly in relationships that are unhealthy and unhappy. I also know that I need to continue working on being happy regardless of my relationship status.

Throughout these last fourteen years, I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I deal with, yet I need to not mistake contentment with comfort. If I remain too comfortable in my life, it will be difficult for me to move forward. For now I am trying to discern between contentment and comfort. At this point in my life, I am okay where I am at and turning 40 is not so scary to me after all. Even though my biological clocking is ticking, I am not so desperate to find someone just so I can hurry up with marriage and try to pop out a baby before my eggs run out. God knows the desires of my heart and I believe that in His perfect timing, I will be married and have a baby in the near future. Yet, I am no longer on the hunt to find a man because God will bring him when the time is right.

What does the right time look like? In the past, people have told me that God would not bring the right man to me until I was completely healed from my divorce or until I was perfectly operating in my spiritual gifts. If that was really the case, then many people would still be single. I have come to realize that I do not have to have it all together in order for the right man to come along. I am still working on being at my best with God's help and living my life for Him.

Substituting Thoughts and Words with Scripture

Substituting Thoughts and Words with Scripture

            As a child, Daniel and I were not allowed to say cuss words at all. If we did say a certain cuss word, then we owed our parents a penny. But what if I was so upset that I did not know what other word to say instead of sh*#, hell, damn, or the f-word? Mom told my brother and me that we could say other words to replace those cuss words. Instead of saying, sh#@ we could say shoot or shucks. Hell was heck, damn was dang or darn, but there was nothing to replace the f-word. As an adult, I have come up with some creative words to use instead of the f-bomb. Even to this day, I try not to use cuss words because I think they are unladylike and as a Christian, I want to be an effective witness for Christ.

            Another way for me to be an effective witness is to be careful about any word (not just swear words) that comes out of my mouth. These words could be negative self-talk such as doubt, fear, depression, etc. Just like using "shoot" or "shucks" in place of swear words, we have the option to use positive words and Scripture to replace the negativity that we might be tempted to say. It is not just the words we say, but also the thoughts we think. As Joyce Meyer often says, "Where the mind goes, the man follows." Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."

            As for my thought life, I must make sure my thoughts line up with the Word of God. For most of my life, I have struggled with depression, low self-esteem, and negative thoughts. I used to think that if my circumstances improved, then the depression, low self-esteem, and negative thoughts would disappear. Over the years I have learned that God is more concerned with changing my heart than my circumstances. I admit that it feels like a LOT of work to change my thought patterns and the words which come out of my mouth. Making changes takes discipline and hard work, but in the end the results of having a positive outlook on life are worth it. I must remember to throw off every hindrance that may cause me to sin and run with perseverance the race that is marked for me as I fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith (Hebrews 12: 1-2). Below are some examples of replacing the negative with God's Word.

Combatting the Negativity with God's Word

Instead of saying:                                                                  Say:

I can't do this or that.                          I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.                                                                                                         (Philippians 4:13)

My circumstances will never change.             Even though God is the same yesterday, today, and                                                                                     tomorrow, everything else in life changes.

I wish I was prettier, smarter, etc.      I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)

I'm afraid.                                           God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love,                                                                 power, and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Think before I speak or write

These past few days of posting new blogs have got me thinking about this above picture, which I found on Facebook. I have been on my soapbox about a controversial movie coming to the theaters on Valentine's Day weekend and also trying to encourage more people to see another kind of movie that is not at all controversial. As I carefully write this post, I must consider each of these questions.

T- Is this true?

It is true that a certain movie (whose original rating was NC-17) is about bondage and other forms of sadomasochism. I know this because I've talked to several people who have read the books in this trilogy. Unfortunately, I got a detailed account about the books which is more than I really wanted to know. As for the movie, I've gone to IMDB (Internet Movie Database) and looked up the movie's ratings. I've also seen the movie's trailer on TV and read a few articles regarding this movie.

H- Is this helpful?

I admit that getting on my soapbox and complaining about the sinful ways of this world is not helpful. The best way I can be helpful is by informing people about the negativity of viewing pornographic films. I can share my testimony as to why I am against this type of mainstream movie coming to many theaters. Although I am not against consenting adults viewing this type of movie, I am more concerned for the younger generation because our society has not accurately portrayed healthy, romantic relationships in the media. The movie that I really encourage people to see is about a 30something couple who meet and take their time getting to know one another before getting physical. The media (books, TV, movies, reality shows) often portrays couples jumping into bed before marriage. 

I- Is this inspiring?

I am afraid I have not been aiming to inspire in these last few posts. However, I hope that getting the message out about Old Fashioned, the movie I want people to see, will inspire others to see this movie. I just wish there was more information about this movie besides a few movie trailers, which have already inspired me. I believe that people will enjoy this light-hearted romance as well as see what a healthy relationship is. Being that my only relationship (which I had in my twenties) was not at all a healthy one and some of the issues I dealt with were traumatizing, I want to learn more about God-centered, healthy relationships. I want this younger generation to know and understand that romantic relationships are about mutual respect and treating one another with kindness. I also want people to know that romantic relationships do not need to be physical (meaning sexual activity) until marriage.

N- Is this necessary?

Yes and no. It's a free country so I have the right to my opinion as well as others do. What irritates me is that a number of people seem more offended when there are posts on Facebook or other social network sites, blogs, or articles that speak out against pornography, abortion, and other evils in this world. These people seem to become more opinionated and angry at those who stand up for their Christian beliefs. So, as a woman who is against pornography, my voice needs to be heard. I am also outraged that this controversial movie is coming to my once conservative hometown instead of the movie that promotes good, Christian values.

Maybe, this is not necessary for me to jump on my soapbox and complain about a trilogy of books that I will never read or a movie I will never see. Unfortunately, people want to stick their heads in the sand and say things like, "If you don't like the movie, then don't watch it." That's not the point! I am trying to express that pornography has ended marriages (including mine) and seems to be everywhere (from billboards in large cities to the Internet). It is being shoved into the minds of our younger generation when the movie trailers of this film come on at all hours of the day on TV. Whatever happened to the days when stuff like that was not on TV until late at night after the children were in bed?

K- Is this kind?

That depends on the individual who reads this post. It is kind in promoting Old Fashioned and informing people who want to watch clean entertainment that it exists, but not at enough theaters in the USA. The fans of the trilogy and those wanting to see this controversial film, may not take kindly to what I have to say. But, so what? I cannot please all the people all the time. I have tried to make my point without judging those who have read the trilogies and those who want to see the movie. If they are over the age of 18, they can do whatever they want. What I am against is the false advertising of this controversial film. Just call it what it is: porn disguised as romance! Not true romance, unless you find S & M and bondage romantic.

Old-Fashioned, the alternative to Fifty Shades of Grey

Just yesterday I was on my soapbox about Fifty Shades of Grey being hyped up as a must-see romance on Valentine's Day. Well, today I want to promote a lesser-known movie that I would love to see and encourage others to view this film instead of Fifty Shades of Grey.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine invited me to like Old Fashioned on Facebook. Out of curiosity I checked out the page before clicking the "like" button. I want to give a huge shout out to my friend Sara (hopefully, she will read this blog) for inviting me to like Old Fashioned.

Had I known about this independent Christian film sooner, I would probably have pushed to promote this movie and encourage my local movie theater to show it on Valentine's Day weekend. Unfortunately, Fifty Shades of Grey might be hitting the theater in my small hometown. I live in the Southwestern part of the United States and not too far from the Bible Belt of Texas.

From viewing the movie trailers, Old Fashioned is a Christian movie about dating God's way. This movie may not be filled with tons of excitement and seem unrealistic in the secular dating world, but it is time for this generation to learn about the kind of relationships that God had originally intended for men and women. I believe that seeing a different way of dating would be refreshing and I could also learn some things from this movie which I might take into consideration regarding  my future relationship.

After having messed up in the romance department during my twenties, I rededicated my life to the Lord and resolved to do things I believe to be His way. God intended for people to save themselves sexually for their spouses. I can understand the challenges of remaining sexually pure as a single-again Christian in a secular world. Unfortunately, sex is everywhere in this culture, from billboard signs to books to the Internet. So now does explicit sex have to invade our movie theaters? Before I jump back on my soapbox, I checked my local theater's website and do not know for certain whether Fifty Shades of Grey will come to my theater. I'm praying that it does not. Luckily my theater was not on the list to pre-order tickets for this movie.

So back to the main purpose of this post: To encourage people to see Old Fashioned! This would be an excellent film for youth groups (high school age and older) to see. I wish I had known more about the old-fashioned kind of dating when I was a teenager and in my early twenties (especially before I went on my first date). I think that it is important for single people (of all ages) to learn how to communicate effectively with the opposite sex in a platonic way before consenting to a dating relationship. Since every person is different and every love story is different, I will not say how long one should know someone before agreeing to be in a dating relationship. I will say that I want to do things different the next time around. As I've mentioned earlier, I had messed up tremendously in my one and only relationship during my twenties. Because I want to do things God's way (which may seem outdated and old-fashioned to many people), I have found it challenging to meet single men around my age who share similar values with me. Therefore, I have not bothered with dating for well over a decade.

I may have to drive to another town to view Old Fashioned which I believe will be worth it. Below I will post a link to the movie's website.

http://oldfashionedmovie.com/

On my soapbox about Fifty Shades of Grey

Right now, I am furious about the hype of the soon-to-be released movie Fifty Shades of Grey. What is this world coming to? I know that I should not judge a movie that is based on a trilogy of books that I have never read. But, I know that this book is pornography for women. I read the book reviews and talked with people who have read the books. 

As a single, Christian woman, I refuse to read books that I know contain graphic sex in them. I do not want my mind to go places where it has absolutely no business going. I already have an overactive imagination so I do not need any more help. What I cannot understand about Fifty Shades of Grey, is that there are Christians reading these books and they will probably see the movie when it comes out on February 13th. Movie trailers are advertising this film as a romance and trying to hype it up specifically for Valentines' Day. This infuriates me, because there is nothing romantic about sadomasochism and domination in a relationship. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV).

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. 

The love that I am reading about in God's word is far from the kind of love that the world portrays. I am saddened that Fifty Shades of Grey is promoting what they consider romance. After reading several reviews about the book and movie, I discovered that the leading lady (Ana) has been exposed to the dark world of sexual bondage, domination, and control from her "contract" lover Christian Grey. Although a woman may enjoy receiving expensive gifts from a handsome, wealthy man, there is nothing romantic about being a sex slave and enduring some of the harsh acts that Ana endured. How can anyone consider this romantic? This is not the kind of love God wants us to experience. 

Love is patient. From what I've heard about this movie, there is nothing patient about the relationship of Ana and Christian. They have sex outside of marriage. True love waits. Love is kind. How is it considered kind to tie up someone you are supposed to care about with chains and handcuffs? It (love) does not envy- Christian stalks Ana so I see jealousy in this relationship.

It does not boast, it is not proud. This 'contract' that Christian has drawn up for Ana appears to be an attitude of pride and control. It does not dishonor others-When Christian puts all of these demands on Ana, stalks her, etc., he is not honoring her. It is not self-seeking-Christian seems to be using Ana for his own selfish desires and she enjoys getting expensive gifts from him. It is not easily angered- Bondage and other forms of S & M seem to stem from unresolved anger issues. It keeps no records of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. All I have read about from the book and movie reviews shows that evil is glorified in this story. 

It always protects- When you love someone, you would do anything to protect them from harm rather than expose them to the darkness of S & M. It always trusts- When people love each other, they do not need to use tracking devices to find out where the other person is at all times. It always hopes, always perseveres. Although Ana seems to be seduced by Christian's spell on her, she appears heartbroken and hopeless at the end of the first book. Somehow, she seems to persevere and then two more book sequels follow. However, a person should not have to endure and tough it out in an unhealthy relationship. If they want things to work out, it is important to seek godly counsel. 

Love never fails. I just don't understand how Ana manages to stay with Christian when their 'contract' relationship sounds like a complete failure. 

I will get off my soapbox right now and pray that this movie flops at the box office. Hopefully more people will realize that the hype of this movie is not really all that it's cracked up to be.

For more reviews, here are a few links.

http://www.charismamag.com/blogs/fire-in-my-bones/22398-let-s-call-fifty-shades-of-grey-what-it-is-perverted

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/wives/fifty-shades-of-caution#.VNGurZ3F9qU

I'm not Josie Grossy anymore!

Here's a famous line from one of my favorite movies, Never Been Kissed: Drew Barrymore's character shouts, "I'M NOT JOSIE GROSSY ANYMORE!"



After seeing this movie, for probably the dozenth or so time, I am more reminded about my awkward teen years as my 20th year high school reunion is coming up this summer. I was never considered popular among my peers and I don't think guys ever considered me pretty. If they did, I never knew about it and I was rarely asked out on dates back in high school. However, I was not as awkward as "Josie" was in her teen years. I was somewhat on the shy side, got teased quite a bit, and lived somewhat of a sheltered life. I was not allowed to date until I was 16 (that was my sophomore year) and by then I could finally wear as much makeup as I wanted. Although I tried to look my best and sort of fit in fashionably with the other girls, I felt that I never measured up. None of my clothes were name brand because I bought what was affordable with my allowance money. I could never get my hair to look just right and my makeup often faded by the end of 2nd hour sophomore gym class. I admit that the thought of attending my reunion almost feels similar to Josie Gellar (Drew's character) going back to high school as an investigative, undercover reporter posing as a high school student. However, I must realize that "I am not Josie Grossy (an awkward teenager) anymore!"

I must remind myself that "in Christ, I am a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." (New King James Version)